Have you ever been infatuated with the idea of something that you are not sure that you yourself might ever experience?  Where every time you turn on the television, read a book or listen to the song on the radio it seems that everyone is experiencing something that alludes you.  Most of my female friends, family members, co-workers and acquaintances have experienced the thing that I have not experienced yet seems to consume my mind a lot these days: pregnancy and motherhood.  Some days I resent the questions: Do you have kids?  Do you want to have them someday?  When do you plan on getting married and settling down (the 'settling down' part always seeming to imply motherhood as being that settling down force, as if a woman without kids is unsettled, wild and unruly). 

I am reaching my mid-30s and I love children.  I really do love being around other people's kids but I wonder: Would I be a good parent?  Would pregnancy affect my IC?  Would pregnancy and childbirth bring my IC out of remission?  Will I regret not experiencing motherhood ten years from now?  Am I selfish for not becoming a mother-like so many articles that I've read and comments I've overheard by women who are 'in the know' with children in tow?  Should I proceed with having a child with the knowledge that if I have a daughter that she has a chance of someday having IC?  Do I want to be a mother if that includes being one that is more tired or has IC symptoms on a daily basis?  And then I wonder if I am just looking for excuses or something to place the blame for my indecision (or decision to either not procreate or to wait to proceate) to have a child solely on being an IC patient.

I can't blame everything on IC but how can living with a painful bladder disease for seven years not color my thoughts with yellow for: proceed with caution?  My fiance and I could not be intimate for three and a half of those seven years because of IC and the related conditions of extreme dyspareunia and vulvodynia.  I call them our Lost Years.  While my IC reared its ugly head so many of our friends got married and began having children.  My mailbox (and virtual mailboxes on Facebook and my personal email account) have been flooded with wedding invitations and birth announcements.  Many times I choked back tears as I dashed into Target, hoping their bathrooms were clean and open, haphazardly printing off a gift registry list.  I have purchased a countless number of onesies, too cute for words teeny socks and paraben free nipples.  I have thrown numerous close friends' baby shower's with fun start-to-finish themes from rubber ducks to Noah's Ark, always with the thought in the back of my mind: If I get over IC will I have sex again?  Will I experience pregnancy, birth and motherhood? 

Those thoughts quickly fled as the months turned into years of cruel celibacy.  The silent scream that echoed in my brain for years when ovulation caused cruel labia pain and inflammation-so severe that wearing clothing was as painful as a medieval torture device.  Parenthood was the furthest thing from my mind at those moments of taking things one day at a time as I drove from the acupuncturist's office to meditation classes and then home to make my IC friendly meals.

Those Lost Years are behind me now but I still have some residual IC pain and symptoms like a grey ghost lurking in the shadows.  It is really a difficult decision to make although I know that I now have less years in front of than behind me to consider motherhood as an option.  Ovulation is not the extremely painful monthly reminder loudly announcing that I could have a baby-now is the time that it once was, but it is not a silent event for me and each month I could probably tell you the exact moment that I am ovulating.  IC has taught me so much about my body that I am in tune with the subtle hormonal changes that occur throughout the month.  I think about pregnancy and motherhood more often than I would care to admit these days.  Babies haunt my dreams.  Sometimes my cries echo along with theirs as I remember the intense pain of IC. 

Maybe someday I will make the choice to become pregnant but for now I am happy bearing the fruit of many years of hard work and delivering words of support to people suffering from IC.  It is what I have to offer the world right now and it seems the closest thing to a flesh and blood embodiment of myself.  IC awareness and support is a sad but important child in my eyes.  
1 Comment
 
 
Did you know that one in five women suffers from painful sex (Dyspareunia) at least once in their lifetime?  With a culture riddled with ads about having sex, how to improve your sex life, pills that increase your sex drive, for someone who suffers from this disease it can be unbearable and incredibly depressing simply watching television (or listening to romantic songs sung on the radio).  A large percentage of women with IC also suffer from painful sex (pain during or after intercourse, or both) which can cause a lot of tension, depression, and sadness for both the woman and the person that she is having a sexual relationship with. 

I too suffered from dyspareunia for the first two and a half years that my IC symptoms were at their worst.  The shame that I felt when I was unable to enjoy sexual intimacy coupled with the intense pain and burning that I felt in my vagina for up to 48 hours after intercourse was definitely some of the worst moments of my life.  It was a contributing factor of straining the relationship that I had with the love of my life, although he was understanding, it still caused a noticeable strain.  People have asked me what made dyspareunia disappear and I have to say that it was a combination of things:
  • Getting my IC pain and symptoms to a symptom-free level through the use of herbs and a very strick anti-yeast diet
  • Acupuncture
  • Energy work which targeted the first chakra (located close to the vagina in women)
  • Using olive oil for lubrication
  • LOTS of foreplay, for me the amount necessary to prevent pain is probably increased tenfold in comparision to pre-IC days
  • Showering after sex and washing with olive oil soap
  • Using Yin care douche on occassion
  • Psychological therapist
  • Having a  sexual partner that is compassionate and caring enough to slow down and make sure that I am not in pain
I am saddened by the many stories about women suffering from dyspareunia.  I can truly say that I understand how lonely and depressing it is to feel as if an important part of what makes us female, is suddenly taken away, and you might feel like less than a woman.  I would encourage you to work with your partner, doctors, and possibly a therapist to try different coping methods for dealing with this painful condition.  My heart goes out to each of you.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/painful-intercourse/DS0104
1 Comment