Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Turn your thoughts away from cold unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night
Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before
-Music of the Night, Phantom of the Opera
The dark of night holds connotations of terror, death and the unseen in most aspects of current society. Whether in books, movies or musicals such as Phantom of the Opera, darkness is when nightmares are revealed and when creatures deemed unfit for the light of day can haunt and play. When IC racked my body with incalculable pain I felt that I was living a waking nightmare in which I was tortured with pain and constant trips to the bathroom. Now that my IC is in remission and the pain that was my constant companion of five years is in the shadow land I still feel its presence like fog clinging to the underside of a footbridge.
During my darkest days I searched my mind's memory for what it was like to have simply five minutes free from the pain, but as much as I tried, I could not remember what it was like to be pain free because the pain was so intense. I thought that when my IC went into remission that the same effect would occur and that I would not be able to recall the sheer pain and terror of IC, but I find that the pain memory surfaces readily, a night demon surfacing during the daylight. In the shadows of my memory I sometimes have a silent scream when I have a minor flareup from food or from monthly hormonal changes as I wonder if this could be the flareup that sends me back to pain all day every day.
It was so easy to embrace the darkness and to dance with the Phantom of pain and darkness set to his own night music. My life of pain stripped away friends, family, food, sex, and work that I had completely 'purged all thoughts of the life I knew before' because the life I lived before was gone. Even in IC remission I am a changed person and I can never really go back to being the person before I was touched by pain and left without so many of life's simple pleasures. But I am fine with this knowledge-and I embrace it! There will always be room in my life for life lesson's and I can now say that pain is quite the teacher. I will never forget the pain of IC but I will also strive to never forget the lessons of IC. That being said I will always think that Christine made the wrong choice in not embracing the darkness and falling in love with the Phantom of the Opera as I always have. For even in real life, dark fairy tales can have a somewhat happy ending, right?